“God, you’re so black and ugly!” By age seven, I knew my grandmother was opposed to my Nubian skin, which was starkly opposite to her pale complexion. I had my Dad’s complexion, and she did not like him at all. Was it any wonder that dislike carried over to me? Interestingly, my grandmother flipped-flopped on her emotions. One minute she was caring, and the next, she was outright mean. By pre-teen, the aversion to my skin had transformed into three simple words black and ugly. Not my words, hers poisonously spewing out after a cheery “good morning” or “afternoon” greeting. I would hear back, “You’re so black and ugly!” For a large part of my life, I bought into this view of myself – as they say, “hook, line, and sinker.”
I was one of those children impacted by parents immigrating for a better life and new opportunities. This is where it all started for me. After all, living on a 26-square-mile Caribbean island can present limitations to those with dreams and aspirations for something more. That was my Mom, and her opportunity came when a lifelong friend invited her to their overseas wedding. The decision to go meant new possibilities for my Mom, who was then in her twenties. The decision to travel abroad also meant leaving her two children behind with her Mom. As a parent, I have come to understand what an act of trust that was. I also learned and appreciated that it was and is quite commonplace in our culture. In case you’re wondering, my Dad had already immigrated. It’s important to know that my Mom was raised by her grandmother into her mid-teens when she returned to live with her Mom. That transition didn’t go so well for her, and guess what? Leaving me with that same person didn’t go well for me either.
There was a stark difference between how my grandmother treated me and how she treated my sister, who had her same complexion. Nevertheless, my grandmother fed, clothed, and put a roof over our heads. She even protected us from others. I say us because, in addition to my sister, my uncle and my cousin had all been raised by my Mom. Remember I told you my Mom was in her twenties? This woman had been cooking for the family since she was eight. She had two children by the age of 24 and was raising her children, her brother, and her Aunt’s children. Any wonder the wedding invitation was seen as being God-sent?
What fascinates me is that I have no memories before age 5, when my Mom left. I believe it’s because her departure was traumatic for me. My time with Gran in the absence of Mom always felt burdensome, and my calling out for my Mom, I’m confident, did not help the situation. My sister was the princess – she got the better of everything, whether from the barrels my Mom sent or a local store. The almost daily beatings I received were offset by church services proclaiming a God that loved me. Coupled with a school environment with physical disciplinary approaches and competitive scholastic comparisons that were derogative for some and exalting for others, plus societal constraints that embodied skin color differences. You have what I saw as being trapped.
The belittling labeling by my grandmother would not have penetrated as deeply as it did if the environment surrounding my everyday life did not reinforce the same labels and messages. Something my education later revealed to be the illusion of truth effect at play.
The illusion of truth effect, also known as the reiteration effect, is our tendency to believe false information is correct after repeated exposure. According to Wikipedia, the illusion of truth effect was defined in 1977 when Villanova University and Temple University participated in a study where researchers concluded that repeating a statement makes it more likely to appear factual. In 1989, the original research was replicated “with similar results showing that exposure to false information changes the perceived truthfulness and plausibility of that information.”
Well, from 6-years old, I was drowning in this effect. We all are since the illusion of truth effect is significantly amplified when leveraged “in such fields as election campaigns, advertising, news media, and political propaganda.” This now-accepted de-facto psychological concept is particularly damaging for people of color. This segment of society is bombarded by one negative message after another directly associated with their societal identities and character.
That 6-year-old child did not have all the forthcoming educated words. Yet I so profoundly knew we were not in a good place, and I wrote the essence of that in a letter to my Mom urging her we needed to be with her. The next time I saw that letter was as a teenager when my Mom reminded me of it and confirmed that was why she took action to get us with her. I remember looking at the fragile letter crafted in the penmanship of a child that still managed to relay the urgency of the situation. It is essential to understand that amid the burdensome life with my Gran, there were some enjoyable moments, and receiving barrels of goodies and letters from my Mom, then sitting to respond were some of those moments. Gran would collect all the letters, fold them up, and seal them in an envelope for posting the next day. She never read what we wrote. Then, at seven years old, in August, my sister and I were on a plane headed overseas to reunite with my Mom. The devastation of what should have been a joyous, exhilarating life moment was that Gran sat beside us on the plane. Who would have thought? Sitting in the plane and looking down at the fading island as the aircraft climbed to flying altitude, I got angry. I thought about the sense of humor this supposedly loving God had for me. I hoped he was laughing because I, indeed, was not. That was when I realized that I didn’t like my grandmother.
The turning point for me was leaving home to pursue my independence. That pursuit led me to binge on self-help books and explore wellness approaches. One commitment I made to myself was never to allow others or the circumstances they create to change who I am. Another turning point came with the realization of picking the wrong partners. Let’s step back for a quick moment. Two people contributed the most negativity to my life. They were my grandmother and my Dad. I didn’t focus on my Dad in this article, but his contributions manifested as abuse, promiscuous pedophile behaviors, and lies. Suffice it to say that my Mom quickly intervened to manage my grandmother’s treatment of me. Then my Dad arrived to add his flavor of dysfunction to the family. At one point, I had to face the fact that I was dating my Dad – Kapow!!! That expedited my intentions for self-awareness. It’s easy when you know what you don’t want – your “away from” ambitions. My Gran impacted my life more than my Dad because hers got deeply imprinted and continually reinforced. Authors such as Ayanla Vanzant, Maya Angelou, and Les Brown taught me something more was possible. Extended family influences showed that more was possible, and I focused on that beacon for more.
Today, I am an advocate for life who loves her Nubian skin, her Nubian hair, and her Nubian features. I know I am a person of color, which does not matter because it has no definition for how I choose to live my life. I am a person, but I am foremost so much more than that. My worth is exponentially more, and the narrow confines of others do not define it. I recognize the illusion of truth effect. Because of that recognition, I am empowered to reject the familiarity of the word “black” and other terms used to constrain us and guide our focus away from what matters. Instead, I harness the rationality of that false rhetoric and simplify my world by choosing me, growing me, and overflowing my cup for reciprocity and service.
The past occurred to give us the learnings we need in the now. Now is for living fully with an eye to the future. Living fully is actionable. We will only get to the intended outcomes if we do something. The list of actionable “something” is enormous, so we must have intentions to stay focused (lessen distractions) to get the right actions done. The proper steps make up the plan.
In my practice, we have the resources and tools for personal transformation. These resources and tools address such things as:
- – limiting beliefs and self-perception,
- – pattern interrupts,
- – pain and problem management,
- – increase your mental and spiritual wealth,
- – build better relationships,
- – stops the trend of lost opportunities, and
- – builds resilience for change.
The above lists some pain points that have trapped us for decades and has impacted our health in non-sustainable ways. They are our Stuff Harboured Inside That Eventually Sabotages (SHITES) our life. Those pain points have cost us in some way, shape, or fashion. Whether it’s a partner, unhealthy relationships, unfulfilling jobs, stagnated energy, low income, etc. I do what I do because I know you are worth more. I do what I do because I know what it takes to remove the shackles the pain and hurt place on us. So the question becomes, “what’s it worth to you to address the pain and the hurt and thrive?”
Sources: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illusory_truth_effect
For help and support
Reach out to jenn@youareworthmore.co or book time in her calendar to explore breakthrough services.
About Jenn
Jenn has over 15 years in healthcare and is board-certified in designations having neuroscientific foundations. Attaining professional accreditations through recognized and respected Boards, such as ABNLP, means being held to ethical standards and conduct related to clients, everyday interactions, and even running the practice. It means Jenn’s services come with assurance and a guarantee. It also means she is committed to continuous maintenance and improvement of learning, and Jenn’s clients are the ones that ultimately gain the benefits of all that.
Rest assured, the services can cover both personal and business coaching. So, if you are a small or medium size business, or someone living silently with emotional pain, held back by fear, have a poor image of yourself, know you have more to give, and don’t know how to get started or motivated, then please connect.
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